I think there’s always going to be this part of me that wishes I had never met you or gotten close to you. You’re only three years younger than me, and I’ve only known you for around eight months now, but for at least the past four of those months, I feel like the feelings I have towards you are not feelings I should be having towards anyone except my (potential) future kids. And as much as I adore you, you scare me sometimes, because you’re just so innocent and vulnerable. It’s frightening to worry so much about another human’s well-being.
That’s not what’s bugging me right now though. What’s particularly bugging me right now is whether or not you’ll still be the same person you are by the time you graduate in three years. Because we need more people like you out in the world. We need more people who are thoughtful, creative, inquisitive, imaginative, wise beyond their years, quirky, kind-hearted, silly, and sensitive. And a lot more adjectives that describe you that I’m probably missing. I have no doubts that if you can make it to college, you’ll be all set. But high school, even a nurturing high school like ours that suits you perfectly, can absolutely beat those things out of people, and the idea of that happening to you makes me really sad. (Oh, and let’s not even get started on the even more terrifying fact that you might switch schools sometime before your senior year, for whatever reason, and end up at a place that eats you alive.) Studies show that you only need one person in your life who gets you in order to have the confidence to stay who you are, but I’ll be graduating in just over a month, and being three grades above you, I’m not in any of your classes, and so I don’t really know how most of the other freshmen treat you. So is there someone else who gets you? If there isn’t, then how are you going to get through high school with the essence of yourself in tact?
And the worst part of it? I’m not even really going to know if you maintain your integrity or not throughout high school. Sure, I’ll come back and visit, but not for more than a day at a time, and not enough to get a sense of it. All of this came up because a friend of ours made a passing joke about how he was corrupting you. Well, if it were my choice, he would do nothing of the sort. But it’s not my choice, and I know that. People say that if something’s not in your control, then there’s no reason to worry about it, but personally I’ve never understood that advice. The fact that it’s not in my control is exactly why it’s so stressful. If there was something I could do to make sure you could always maintain that core of yourself, even without me around, don’t you think my mind would be much more at ease?
So, to sum it up: You are an utterly amazing person. I hope that you never change the way you are, but at the end of the day, all I can do is hope that. And that’s scary. So despite how happy you’ve made me throughout this year, sometimes I wonder if all this anxiety is worth it. And on top of that, I’m going to miss you. Either way, I am still in disbelief right now that I was stupid enough to make any all-new friends my senior year of high school.