Another letter unsent

To a certain incredible little boy:

Fri, 17 May 2013 15:41:06 -0400

I think there’s always going to be this part of me that wishes I had never met you or gotten close to you. You’re only three years younger than me, and I’ve only known you for around eight months now, but for at least the past four of those months, I feel like the feelings I have towards you are not feelings I should be having towards anyone except my (potential) future kids. And as much as I adore you, you scare me sometimes, because you’re just so innocent and vulnerable. It’s frightening to worry so much about another human’s well-being.

That’s not what’s bugging me right now though. What’s particularly bugging me right now is whether or not you’ll still be the same person you are by the time you graduate in three years. Because we need more people like you out in the world. We need more people who are thoughtful, creative, inquisitive, imaginative, wise beyond their years, quirky, kind-hearted, silly, and sensitive. And a lot more adjectives that describe you that I’m probably missing. I have no doubts that if you can make it to college, you’ll be all set. But high school, even a nurturing high school like ours that suits you perfectly, can absolutely beat those things out of people, and the idea of that happening to you makes me really sad. (Oh, and let’s not even get started on the even more terrifying fact that you might switch schools sometime before your senior year, for whatever reason, and end up at a place that eats you alive.) Studies show that you only need one person in your life who gets you in order to have the confidence to stay who you are, but I’ll be graduating in just over a month, and being three grades above you, I’m not in any of your classes, and so I don’t really know how most of the other freshmen treat you. So is there someone else who gets you? If there isn’t, then how are you going to get through high school with the essence of yourself in tact?

And the worst part of it? I’m not even really going to know if you maintain your integrity or not throughout high school. Sure, I’ll come back and visit, but not for more than a day at a time, and not enough to get a sense of it. All of this came up because a friend of ours made a passing joke about how he was corrupting you. Well, if it were my choice, he would do nothing of the sort. But it’s not my choice, and I know that. People say that if something’s not in your control, then there’s no reason to worry about it, but personally I’ve never understood that advice. The fact that it’s not in my control is exactly why it’s so stressful. If there was something I could do to make sure you could always maintain that core of yourself, even without me around, don’t you think my mind would be much more at ease?

So, to sum it up: You are an utterly amazing person. I hope that you never change the way you are, but at the end of the day, all I can do is hope that. And that’s scary. So despite how happy you’ve made me throughout this year, sometimes I wonder if all this anxiety is worth it. And on top of that, I’m going to miss you. Either way, I am still in disbelief right now that I was stupid enough to make any all-new friends my senior year of high school.

James, I just wish you could love me like you did 30 years ago. I don’t know what happened. We...

Fri, 17 May 2013 15:41:04 -0400

James, I just wish you could love me like you did 30 years ago. I don’t know what happened. We have 2 beautiful children, who now have grown into fantastic adults. I’ve lost you somewhere in this journey. You would think this time in our lives we would grow closer. Please come back to me.

Photo

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 01:37:12 -0400

dissections: I make it no secret if I love you. I’ll let you know if I have...

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 04:08:07 -0400

dissections: I make it no secret if I love you. I’ll let you know if I have...:

pavorst:

I make it no secret if I love you. I’ll let you know if I have feelings for you. I’d rather be honest with you than lead you into thinking a hundred different things. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like me. In fact, it’s probably better if, in the beginning, you don’t like me. Because unlike most…

nprfreshair: Laurie Edwards on why it worked well for her to...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 11:24:52 -0400

nprfreshair:

Laurie Edwards on why it worked well for her to be upfront about chronic illnesses to the man who would become her husband:

Even though he didn’t know a ton about my conditions themselves, he could look into it. He knew right away the unique circumstances of my life. I didn’t have to hide things. Just a couple months into our dating I had to have a bronchoscopy just to take some tissue from my lungs and I went under anesthesia and I was recovering from that and coming home and I had all these different tubes and wires that they had to leave to test something else, you know. It was just very, very present very there and he was able to support me and be there for me and he came from the hospital with me. And very quickly into our relationship he asked if he could learn how to perform chest PT for me so it allowed him to be a part of things and it allowed illness to be just something that was a part of our relationship. It wasn’t something that defined it but it also wasn’t something that I was hiding and putting up these barriers about and that really allowed us to approach it as a team, and I think that was a lot better for both of us.

The weight of us.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 07:17:08 -0400

The weight of us.

Bukowski

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 04:12:45 -0400

Bukowski

Lionhearted

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 23:26:57 -0400

I have been sitting here

Pondering over

The lost opportunities

That have brought me here

At this crossroad of life

I was

Scared

of the future

Insecure

about me & everything else

Desperate

for some affection

Impulsive

And, therefore, wrong

TIMING

They say

IS EVERYTHING

Of course,

I knew that

I know that

But

in the moment of

loneliness

insecurity

desperation

I forgot

I was impulsive

And, therefore, wrong

Wrong is just another turn of the crossroad

And

NOW I see it

Impulse or not

It was MY CHOICE

What I wanted

I needed

AND

As I sit here

Pondering

I smile

For it made me

Lionhearted

Resilient

Who I am

you know who you are

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 03:08:59 -0400

I’ll avoid the word ‘sorry’ as as you said I over used it, even though it was from the heart each and every time Instead I’ll just put across how I actually feel for once, something you didn’t think I did often enough….

So, nearly two years down the road now; it’s still here, you’re still here.

I thought by now it would be gone; that sinking feeling, that heavy, crushing feeling. It can be sparked by anything; a song, a picture, a faint resemblance in a crowd, a park bench and for some reason most commonly; on a bus. I can’t even hide in my own room, it attacks anywhere and at anytime… that dark, heavy, crushing feeling.

As I write this letter I’m the opposite side of the world; this is madness how can I ever escape this overwhelming sadness, apparently not through distance that’s for sure.

As I said, it’s still there; lingering, lurking, smirking.

Is it still love that’s got me trapped? or is it guilt, regret, longing, loneliness I’m pretty sure it’s one of those ‘all of the above answers’. Whatever it is it manifests itself as an image, a sound, a smell, a touch, a taste of you.

I know you don’t get it but I really did what I did to protect you; to keep you away from me and the pain I caused. Not the everyday me but that selfish prick I have somewhere inside with no regard for anyone or anything that likes to rear his ugly head when I’ve had too much to drink. Fuck that guy.

I hurt you, I hurt you bad and believe me I am still paying for it, I have been ever since I made that choice to drink too much at that stupid party with those stupid work colleagues that weren’t even really my friends. I know that’s why I drank too much, to overcome my social shyness, I thought it would improve night, not fuck up my life. Ironic aye

You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you, to see you, to touch you but I had it in my head that I had to burn that bridge to keep you safe and away from me, me and my tendency to get blinding drunk and kiss other girls… what’s that saying…once a mistake, twice a habit. I’m not sure if it was self destructive or selfish to end it the way I did but I full heartedly believed it was best for you, I knew it would be hard for both of us but I thought it was one of those ‘greater good’ decisions. I didn’t deserve yet another chance and you certainly didn’t deserve the pain I handed out, breaking up was the only way to secure this, the only way protect you….. Oh yeah apart from quitting drinking…. that says a lot about me; the fact I gave up the best thing in my life because it was easier than not drinking…. a problem or just pathetic? Again ‘all of the above’

You really did mean the world to me. Funny how someone can make you the happiest you’ve ever been but also the saddest, but i guess it was my doingbut still ….it’s you that I miss.

But what can I do? You’re happy; new man, new life. I’m not going to be the creepy ex or even slightly upset your happiness, that would go against my reasons in the first place. No I guess I’ll just wait it out, wait and wait and wait…. but for what? Will this feeling just depart one fine morning? Will I one day just never think of you again Will I be able to listen to drum and bass again and not think about you dancing along or wiggling your finger like you did…… I just don’t know.

What really gets me is we were only together for a short time when compared to many relationships, but it’s the most defining relationship in my life. It feels like we were always together until we split, every moment stuck in my head on repeat, the laughs, the smiles, the dancing the embracing.

I’ve seen girls since but nothing is right, nothing has even been close so I just go cold pretty quickly…. what’s the point wasting their time and my time if I’m still thinking of you every day? That’s not fair, that’s not right so I guess I’m better off alone until I think I’m fit for a relationship, until I know for certain that I will never make similar mistakes, until I know I can move on.

That said, since we split my confidence has gone, you were what held it up, you were what held me up, made me happy, made me proud, made me positive. You were always there for me, despite my mistakes and you know I was for you too…other than that horrible mess I caused.

Will I ever find that again? …Probably not….Does that mean I am stuck with this constant longing to see you smile, to hold you close, to smell your hair? Well I can’t see it going anywhere…..

Yesterday I cleared all the photos from my phone as I was out of memory. The very first ones taken were of you, remember that sexy red lingerie you bought and that dressing gown I got you for Christmas. You looked incredible, subtle, sexy and innocent all at the same time. I remember the time we spent in that flat like it was yesterday despite it being nearly 2 years now. The smiles, the laughs, the funniness, the weirdness… the pure bliss of doing nothing but it was nothing with you…. Anyway there not on my phone anymore, I probably should have removed them time ago… but I just.. didn’t. Maybe it’s the sign of a new time for me, or maybe those photo spaces will remain empty from now on….

Talking of photos, I realised last week that you have untagged every single one of us together… that really hurt… but what do I expect, you’ve removed me from existence just as it felt I had to you. Fair play… if only you knew.

No matter what, that time we spent together was special to me, even though I tainted it by my mistakes. You think I’m someone else and that it was an act of being happy with you but that was truly me, down to the core.. in love…in bliss…euphoric. Half of me wants to forget, to unburden this weight of guilt and longing, but the other half never wants to let go. I don’t want to erase you from memory, even if I could.

If there was one thing I could change, one moment I could re-live it would be that f***ing party where I kissed that girl, I still don’t even remember it happening which gives such a feeling of WHY!?! But would changing this incident, change the final outcome? Or would it just have prolonged it? Or should I have just told you straight away rather than waiting until the 2nd incident? If you had known then maybe you would have kept me in check and none of this would have ever gone any further… but you shouldn’t of had to.

Either way, I don’t regret telling you, you deserved none of that crap that I put you through and you certainly didn’t deserve being lied to, it ate at me every second of everyday. The guilt, the self loathing. I so much wanted to be that perfect boyfriend for you, to make you happy, to take you places, to show you things, to make your life better than it could be with anyone else. Again… Ironic

I’m not sure what writing this spiel will achieve; unloading? Forgiveness? Self pity? I have no idea but it just felt right putting pen to paper. If you ever saw this you would be surprised as it turns out I can show my emotions, even if I’m not always good at putting it into words and saying them, the feelings are there… it’s just expressing them that I find difficult I guess. Has it helped? F**k knows…..

What is clear is that I miss you, I really f***ing miss you. It kind of feels like you’ve died; you were my best friend, the only person who truly got me. I should have lived with you when you suggested it but I already had the guilt on my shoulder, believe me I would have jumped at it if things were different. I should have married you, I should of had kids with you… you would have made an amazing mum and an amazing wife.

But instead I’m here ‘following my dream’ on the opposite side of the world but all the time wishing I was back home, back with you. I dream about you nearly every night, its crazy, its great and its terrible… either way it’s just dreams I guess.

Anyway, I’ve unloaded a fair bit. I’m pretty sure you’ll never see this… I’m pretty sure you’ll never see me again but I am glad you’re happy, you deserve it. It’s worth the pain to know that your life is better for it, take care.

"It’s 11 am and I’m sitting in a restaurant 3 beers in. Believe me, even I’m surprised I’m still..."

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 03:01:26 -0500

“It’s 11 am and I’m sitting in a restaurant
3 beers in. Believe me, even I’m surprised
I’m still alive sometimes.
I have been drinking about you for 2 days.
Lately you remind me of a wild thing
chewing through it’s foot. But you
are already free and I don’t know what to do
except trace the rough line of your jaw
and try not to place blame.
Here is the truth: It is hard to be in love
with someone who is in love someone else.
I don’t know how to turn that into poetry.”

- Clementine von Radics (via oncewild)

Our high school's visions and our university's habits wouldn't agree with you much.

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:13:20 -0500

I vaguely remember us talking about the state of humanity over cheap streetside dinner two nights ago.

I think I went off on a tangent there, ranting in short sentences about how the world isn’t getting better because of all the ignorance floating around, until you pointed to yourself and asked “like me?”

I fell silent.

Earlier that day, you told me you wouldn’t be joining the campus elections.

Earlier today, the election results came out. They’re not what I expected, I admit, but winners are winners.

I read about this year’s turnout.

If I’m not mistaken, only half of this university’s twelve thousand students cast their votes today. I understand how several of us have jam-packed schedules and thus not much time to queue at our precincts, but then there are people like you.

I look back on that streetside dinner and I can’t help being a little pissed at you. You weren’t truly ignorant—you acknowledged what was going on, so maybe you were just lazy. I just wish you (and maybe the other six thousand) cared a little more to not knowingly do nothing. We’ll be entering the real world soon, and we might as well already be immersed in it. Plus, it’s not like humanity’s completely hopeless at the moment. That’s supposedly why our university exists, is regarded as one of the country’s beacons of hope, and is known for its tendencies to speak up and spearhead things. ~~But if our university is also filled with people who stay quiet and resign themselves to the tides…~~

to daddy

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 01:40:12 -0500

hi, dad.

i know. you ARE still alive. you’re actually lying down asleep next to me as i’m writing this.
but you’re not there. it’s just your body. alive, but helpless.
i remember when you used to take me for long drives upstate and we’d go to those undiscovered antique stores. on the way home we’d stop by a small café and get apple cider donuts for the way home.

and sometimes you’d take me to an arcade or carnival where we’d secretly waste all the money mom gave you to spend. I’d come home with a huge stuffed animal you’d have won for me.
I’d tell you everything. everything my mom or friends wouldn’t know. things about my personal life, about school, and about my dreams. you’d remember all of them.

you were my best friend.

but it all changed when you got a hernia operation in your stomach.

the doctors discovered cancer in your stomach.

and it was there for quite a while.

this left you immobile, not able to do the things we used to do.

i still talked to you like i should. i kept telling you everything, and i kept telling myself there was hope. and that it wasn’t so bad.

but another month passed. you were getting worse.

much worse. you can barely stand, and we had to bring a visiting nurse almost every day to make sure it didn’t get too bad.

but it is.

the last day you were mobile, you talked to me about death.

your death.

the last sentence you told me was

“I’m gonna miss you, little bear.”

little bear.

you called me that since i was born.

now, you can’t do anything with me. you can’t walk. you don’t even talk anymore. and when you try, we can’t understand you.

I’m scared of you.

you scream and cry in pain every day, and it scares me a lot.

I’d go to my room and cry and cry in the corner.

I’m at the bottom of everything now without you.

and what kills me inside is that you’re still here.

you’re still here, but you hate every second of it.

you’re still here, and in the worst pain i could ever imagine you in.

i don’t want you to die.

but we all know and understand the time is coming fast.

but you’re here for now, and there’s nothing i can do for you.

and that’s why I’m writing this to you.

daddy, i miss you.

Love,

Your little bear.

To one of the kindest people I know:

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 04:55:31 -0500

Look, I know that you’re a guy and I’m a girl, and it’s obvious to me that that’s an issue for you. But gender roles aside, I still truly care about you. I care about you a lot more than that guy whom, much to my dismay, you call your best friend despite the fact that he nearly bullies you sometimes. I think he’s a nice guy overall, but I can’t stand the fact that you think he’s the only person who wants to be around you. Because he’s not!

I know you don’t have many friends, and that makes me sad. Look, when I met you five years ago, you were this obnoxious kid that made jokes all the time and got told off for them. And I was the one who figured that being told off so often must not have been very fun, which is why I didn’t. I humored those stupid jokes. And we teased each other as friends for the rest of the year, but then at random times you would be genuinely nice to me, just out of the blue. And I really did consider you one of my main friends.

Then we were on different campuses for a year. But by the time you were a freshman and I was a sophomore, you weren’t obnoxious anymore. You were just sad and sulky and so obviously lonely, and yet your face lit up whenever you saw me. And I cared about you, and we had lots of good moments that year, but I didn’t give you much thought. Regardless, it bugged me that everyone else only complained how obnoxious you were. You had changed, even by that time. Why didn’t people see that then? Why don’t they see it now, when you’ve come even farther and are basically the most genuine, gentle-souled, kind-hearted person in existence whenever you talk to me? I don’t know why, but it makes me really sad.

As for your sophomore year and my junior year, things were obviously quieter then. I avoided you for about two months after you blocked me on Facebook towards the end of the summer (which also was saddening to me; I promise, if you ever do unblock me, I will never comment on those “comment if you think I’m a good friend” status messages ever again. I truly didn’t mean to embarrass you), but we had one or two nice conversations, and I remember how happy you were when I wished you a happy birthday. But I also remembered you telling someone once that the aforementioned guy was pretty much your best friend. And again, that made me annoyed, especially now that I’ve spent so much time with both of you this year and have seen just how awful he really is to you.

Don’t get me wrong, I do want to be your friend. Very much. But I’m also graduating in four months, so that’s not going to help you that much. Just please, promise me that I won’t be the only person to sign your yearbook this year. I don’t like seeing you so sad all the time; you should smile more often. I just wish you were happier, that’s all.

Dear bestfriend,

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 00:49:56 -0500

You don’t know how much you mean too me. You’re my only actual real friend that has stuck with me throughout these past three years. I miss our sleepovers, when we would watch Bridesmaids and just kill ourselves laughing, go on omegle and look like total tool bags, or our midnight walk around towns, and we’d just talk about all of our problems.I miss those days. I sometimes wish i didn’t leave you in this trashy town.. i wish i stayed with you until you left.. i wish we didn’t drift apart, you’re the only person that truly matters to me in this life. You’re my bestfriend, my other half. It hurts me every day knowing we won’t ever be the same. It hurts every time we talk, trying too push ourselves into becoming friends again.. the sad thing is, we both know we’ll never be the same cause we’ve both moved on. Although we aren’t as close as we were before, i never want to lose you, you’re always going to be my number one bestfriend. Forever. Love you Sully <3

Dear X,

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 06:10:48 -0500

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fucked up and I’m sorry I trusted someone I knew I couldn’t. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I was scared. I’m sorry I was stupid. I’m sorry I never said sorry. I’m sorry I never even told you how I felt. I’m sorry we can’t go back. I know it’s been a while but I still think of you a lot and I still love you a little bit even though we never speak. Today when we were both walking on the block to school from different directions I saw you slow down when you saw me walking towards you and it just made me remember knowing you. Talking to you until 2 am on school nights and staying up all night talking to you on the weekends, the month I sent 6,500 texts, the months I spent with butterflies in my stomach every time I thought of you. The day you asked me out I didn’t even know what was going on. I completely shut down and didn’t know what to do. I thought I was too fat for you then…I thought I was fat and I was a size 00. I didn’t think I was good enough. Everyone in the grade was prettier. V was prettier. Who could even love a girl like me, I thought. I’ll never be good enough, I thought. Every day after that in class you sat on the other side of the room. I thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I thought you hated me. But I missed you like hell. I hoped one day you’d talk to me, but of course I was too scared to. When I signed up for the same language camp you told our class about there was a reason. When A told me you asked where I was because you knew I was supposed to go, I killed myself over it. I should have gone, but by the time July came around I was in full-fledged eating disorder mania. I couldn’t go. I was scared. I wasn’t good enough. Then sophomore year we were in the same math class. And every day I hoped you’d see that I still missed you. I saw the spark in the occasional shared eye contact. It sounds so silly but I promise it was there. And that time we worked together one day solving problems in class. No one knew how to do it but I thought I did and tried to explain it to you guys. You kept trying to show me how you thought we could do it and wrote in my notebook. We laughed together and it was almost like it used to be. But that lasted 30 minutes and went away forever. I don’t want to leave this school without closure. That’s what I need and all I want. I need to talk to you but I don’t know how. You’re different now; you’re not the same guy I knew back then. But then again, I’m not the same girl. And maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be anything more. I don’t know. I just want to know if there’s still something left. Even friendship would do. There’s still a place in my heart for you if you want it. I don’t think it’s ever going to be filled.

Heartbroken Goodbye

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 23:41:44 -0500

My last message to jacob: You are not the man I thought you were. I have made excuses for your behavior for years, blaming the stress of your job. But they were just excuses. You are selfish, cruel, cowardly, and rude. You are disloyal, unreliable, a liar and a cheat. You have broken my heart, destroyed my life, and left me to pick up the pieces alone. While you run off to create a new life with her. You are a bad person, because good people don’t do these kinds of things. You left me when I needed someone most, and I can never forgive you for that. I regret ever marrying you and having children with you, because now I am stuck dealing with you, a complete and total selfish asshole, for the rest of my life.

Photo

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 03:29:29 -0500

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 01:36:45 -0500

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning:

mansitrivedi:

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo’s fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she’s not that good-looking. She doesn’t stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn’t young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a “girl,” properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She’s the 100% perfect girl for me.

The moment I see her, there’s a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert. Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you’re drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I’ll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

Fearing Rejection

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 00:30:49 -0500

Dear Mommy,

I’m 26 years old. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been honest with you and Dad and everyone else. I don’t know how long I’ve kept the most heartfelt truths inside myself. I’ve turned mostly inward due to these deep seated secrets inside of me. You and everyone else in the family must have an inkling or am aware because you have incessantly pointed out how weird I am versus my other siblings.

You have told me then and again that I’m stupid, weird and careless. I’m gullible and not street smart. You often cite that I’m pretentious as unlike my siblings who use your money to buy luxuries, I don’t. I’m stupid for not buying so. In order not to aggravate things, I’ll just buy it as you please. Perhaps our circle of friends are socialites who’d look down on people who cannot afford to buy Pradas. It’s a status quo, as you all say. You see me as a pretentious girl who pretends not to need material things, and then laugh at the fact that it is you who pay for the bills from our credit cards, to our fuel, to the air conditioned rooms and everything else that has lead us to where we are. I do not discount that you have offered us a lifestyle that can only be attained due to a lot of “smart” work, prudent investment deals, deep business connections and keen sense of not getting fooled by anyone else. I understand that we belong to a relatively rich class with traditional Chinese roots that need to be upheld. That is why I had resolved that I needed to get rich, at least to just be independent and not to be looked down, especially by you.

I am afraid. I have always been afraid. I know how important wealth is in the family. Not just that, I know how the family will disintegrate without it. Our family that you’ve raised upholds utmost importance in Chinese traditions, that it is considered unholy and sacrilegious to even attempt to be with anyone else unlike our stature and culture.

What would everyone else say if I couldn’t be successful? A humiliation to the family. That’s what they’d say. What about all the stories that we used to tell you when you were young about the difficulties of inter-racial relationships, more so with someone less than ours? A crime. The child cannot even obey her mom’s wishes. You’d question why despite all the good things you’ve done, I’ve gone astray and became a problem. You don’t have to say that to me straight because you’ve alway commented that on all our cousins or relatives who’ve gone that route. You’ve always seen them as second or third class citizens.

Everyone in the world is taught to find happiness. I wish that you can understand that I loved someone and I wanted to introduce him to our family, but had feared rejection so much. I knew I’d be rejected. I knew I’d be disowned. I hated the fact that I feared so much. That’s why I hate myself more. I began hating myself when I couldn’t stand for the things I knew were true and were right. My tears that you had a glimpse of, which I disguised as difficulties with work weren’t related with work. They were tears stemming from a heart broken into pieces because of the difficulties entailed with the inability to keep a relationship in the dark. We broke up countless times. I think we finally gave up and he got tired waiting for me to fight for what’s right. I’ve tried to “fight what’s right” but I know that at this age, I do not have enough resources to even say that I’ve made it and have come far. I couldn’t fight which is why I restrained and kept from saying this to you.

How I wish that you could just allow your children to introduce the people they love, and learn to love and get to know them first before giving a disapproving nod. Alas, I know I’m asking for too much in this world. The truth is, I’ve only wanted to be rich enough so that I could fight for the things that I believed in. Without it, you would have always seen me as a disappointment.

I know that no matter what I do, you’d always be disappointed with me. That’s why I had to prepare myself financially and emotionally, when I have to live a life true to myself.

P.S.

I intentionally withheld sending you this letter because I know it would cause you so much pain. It would cause everyone in the family so much pain. But, I hope you could see that I didn’t love a man who would cause me harm. We aren’t together. Don’t worry. I’m not eloping. I only wish that you could have seen through my pain as well. I’m just going out to make a path for myself.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 04:43:32 -0500

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…