Wisdom is Letting Go of Something Everyday
A.
I feel broken. My heart is in my stomach and the acid eats away at it. Knowing you are no longer in my life leaves me empty. An emptiness the exact shape of you now resides within me and will become a permanent fixture. As I walk to class, my eyes and soul involuntarily search for you. I am full of you, thoughts swim aimlessly and hopes, having nothing to survive on, fall slowly away. Images of your dark arms around my pale nakedness are burned on to my eyelids, there is no escape from you when I close my eyes. I could have stayed in that safe embrace forever. I feel so unbelievably heavy. Your eyes looked so deep into mine, as if to speak the words you could not bring yourself to say, the ones you would not allow yourself to utter. My fingers traced the outlines of your noble features, as if to commit them to memory, somehow knowing memory is all I would be left with. You never told me about the day you got your scar. Somehow I knew I would not know you very well or for very long. The power between our locked eyes stopped us in our fevered embrace and we grasped each other, wishing things were different, wishing we could hold on. Life tears us apart and my heart is torn along with it.You showed me what is possible, what is essential, what I am capable of feeling. I can no longer accept substitutes and I thank you for that. You made me feel so completely beautiful and accepted. Standing on your feet dancing around naked in my room, unable to say goodbye we kept falling into each other. Is this goodbye? It has to be right? In a perfect world it would be the beginning. I’m sick with the unfairness of it all. You were so silent. I could have loved you. I wish I would have told you. We tried to build on wishes and the foundation fell away.
O.
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