I’ll avoid the word ‘sorry’ as as you said I over used it, even though it was from the heart each and every time Instead I’ll just put across how I actually feel for once, something you didn’t think I did often enough….
So, nearly two years down the road now; it’s still here, you’re still here.
I thought by now it would be gone; that sinking feeling, that heavy, crushing feeling. It can be sparked by anything; a song, a picture, a faint resemblance in a crowd, a park bench and for some reason most commonly; on a bus. I can’t even hide in my own room, it attacks anywhere and at anytime… that dark, heavy, crushing feeling.
As I write this letter I’m the opposite side of the world; this is madness how can I ever escape this overwhelming sadness, apparently not through distance that’s for sure.
As I said, it’s still there; lingering, lurking, smirking.
Is it still love that’s got me trapped? or is it guilt, regret, longing, loneliness I’m pretty sure it’s one of those ‘all of the above answers’. Whatever it is it manifests itself as an image, a sound, a smell, a touch, a taste of you.
I know you don’t get it but I really did what I did to protect you; to keep you away from me and the pain I caused. Not the everyday me but that selfish prick I have somewhere inside with no regard for anyone or anything that likes to rear his ugly head when I’ve had too much to drink. Fuck that guy.
I hurt you, I hurt you bad and believe me I am still paying for it, I have been ever since I made that choice to drink too much at that stupid party with those stupid work colleagues that weren’t even really my friends. I know that’s why I drank too much, to overcome my social shyness, I thought it would improve night, not fuck up my life. Ironic aye
You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you, to see you, to touch you but I had it in my head that I had to burn that bridge to keep you safe and away from me, me and my tendency to get blinding drunk and kiss other girls… what’s that saying…once a mistake, twice a habit. I’m not sure if it was self destructive or selfish to end it the way I did but I full heartedly believed it was best for you, I knew it would be hard for both of us but I thought it was one of those ‘greater good’ decisions. I didn’t deserve yet another chance and you certainly didn’t deserve the pain I handed out, breaking up was the only way to secure this, the only way protect you….. Oh yeah apart from quitting drinking…. that says a lot about me; the fact I gave up the best thing in my life because it was easier than not drinking…. a problem or just pathetic? Again ‘all of the above’
You really did mean the world to me. Funny how someone can make you the happiest you’ve ever been but also the saddest, but i guess it was my doingbut still ….it’s you that I miss.
But what can I do? You’re happy; new man, new life. I’m not going to be the creepy ex or even slightly upset your happiness, that would go against my reasons in the first place. No I guess I’ll just wait it out, wait and wait and wait…. but for what? Will this feeling just depart one fine morning? Will I one day just never think of you again Will I be able to listen to drum and bass again and not think about you dancing along or wiggling your finger like you did…… I just don’t know.
What really gets me is we were only together for a short time when compared to many relationships, but it’s the most defining relationship in my life. It feels like we were always together until we split, every moment stuck in my head on repeat, the laughs, the smiles, the dancing the embracing.
I’ve seen girls since but nothing is right, nothing has even been close so I just go cold pretty quickly…. what’s the point wasting their time and my time if I’m still thinking of you every day? That’s not fair, that’s not right so I guess I’m better off alone until I think I’m fit for a relationship, until I know for certain that I will never make similar mistakes, until I know I can move on.
That said, since we split my confidence has gone, you were what held it up, you were what held me up, made me happy, made me proud, made me positive. You were always there for me, despite my mistakes and you know I was for you too…other than that horrible mess I caused.
Will I ever find that again? …Probably not….Does that mean I am stuck with this constant longing to see you smile, to hold you close, to smell your hair? Well I can’t see it going anywhere…..
Yesterday I cleared all the photos from my phone as I was out of memory. The very first ones taken were of you, remember that sexy red lingerie you bought and that dressing gown I got you for Christmas. You looked incredible, subtle, sexy and innocent all at the same time. I remember the time we spent in that flat like it was yesterday despite it being nearly 2 years now. The smiles, the laughs, the funniness, the weirdness… the pure bliss of doing nothing but it was nothing with you…. Anyway there not on my phone anymore, I probably should have removed them time ago… but I just.. didn’t. Maybe it’s the sign of a new time for me, or maybe those photo spaces will remain empty from now on….
Talking of photos, I realised last week that you have untagged every single one of us together… that really hurt… but what do I expect, you’ve removed me from existence just as it felt I had to you. Fair play… if only you knew.
No matter what, that time we spent together was special to me, even though I tainted it by my mistakes. You think I’m someone else and that it was an act of being happy with you but that was truly me, down to the core.. in love…in bliss…euphoric. Half of me wants to forget, to unburden this weight of guilt and longing, but the other half never wants to let go. I don’t want to erase you from memory, even if I could.
If there was one thing I could change, one moment I could re-live it would be that f***ing party where I kissed that girl, I still don’t even remember it happening which gives such a feeling of WHY!?! But would changing this incident, change the final outcome? Or would it just have prolonged it? Or should I have just told you straight away rather than waiting until the 2nd incident? If you had known then maybe you would have kept me in check and none of this would have ever gone any further… but you shouldn’t of had to.
Either way, I don’t regret telling you, you deserved none of that crap that I put you through and you certainly didn’t deserve being lied to, it ate at me every second of everyday. The guilt, the self loathing. I so much wanted to be that perfect boyfriend for you, to make you happy, to take you places, to show you things, to make your life better than it could be with anyone else. Again… Ironic
I’m not sure what writing this spiel will achieve; unloading? Forgiveness? Self pity? I have no idea but it just felt right putting pen to paper. If you ever saw this you would be surprised as it turns out I can show my emotions, even if I’m not always good at putting it into words and saying them, the feelings are there… it’s just expressing them that I find difficult I guess. Has it helped? F**k knows…..
What is clear is that I miss you, I really f***ing miss you. It kind of feels like you’ve died; you were my best friend, the only person who truly got me. I should have lived with you when you suggested it but I already had the guilt on my shoulder, believe me I would have jumped at it if things were different. I should have married you, I should of had kids with you… you would have made an amazing mum and an amazing wife.
But instead I’m here ‘following my dream’ on the opposite side of the world but all the time wishing I was back home, back with you. I dream about you nearly every night, its crazy, its great and its terrible… either way it’s just dreams I guess.
Anyway, I’ve unloaded a fair bit. I’m pretty sure you’ll never see this… I’m pretty sure you’ll never see me again but I am glad you’re happy, you deserve it. It’s worth the pain to know that your life is better for it, take care.